I was on top the world. I kepty virgintity for the longest! And boys thought I was "THA BOMB" I mean I felt like the bomb too. I was a Christian, I was smart, grades was good, On top of that I was cute! I didn't give up my virgintity because I wanted to do it the way God intended for me to do it. I wanted to save it for my future husband. A true gift from me to him. It was until I moved from Iowa to the south of Chicago with my mother. This guy had his eye on me and we became friends then eventually started dating I told him my standards and my beliefs. Which was no kissing until our marriage day. And sex wasn't EVEN in the equation while dating only until our wedding night. He accepted that and enjoyed me being his girl. While dating he was violating my standards! He was kissing and tubing and touching on me! I went in my house that night, took a shower and cried and asked God to help me and forgive me. But next day came around... He did it again. I was in sexual immortality. Days later I broke up with him... (That's another story). On the 27 of December 2013 I had sex with him. First off how this came about is he came over to see his cousin who was living with my big sister. And he stayed over for too long. We was in the room talking to each other. We eventually got tired and laid down. He cut off the light and shut the door. And from than on it was over. Now mind you... I'm a strong minded girl and God gave me ALL the strength in the world to NOT let that boy pull down my pants. I wanted to at least see how it will feel, is it really all what my friends say it is? In the following morning I felt EXTREMELY devastated. I was hurting because I knew I had disappointed my God, My loving King in heaven. I couldn't take this pain I've put on myself. I repented, I repented, and I prayed and I prayed! I had so many emotions flying around within me. I was so mad at the guy who i did this with. Because for one he didn't respect God enough not to do this to me knowing I'm a Christian and knowing my rules. I was sad because I broke my promise to God and my future Husband. I was angry because I couldn't be happy and proud anymore to say YES to people who asked if i was a virgin or not. I made a vow to God that im not doing this EVER again.I was devestated. God eventually God healed me and shed his love, grace and forgiveness on me. Year later I met this man... (His sneaky self!) He came into my life as one of my mentors. To help me get a bachelor's degree when I go off to college. He was on his stuff in the beginning of our relationship he was on it helping me. Over the time he started liking me. Well I think he liked me the first time he met me. But I didn't want to believe it because he was way too old for me. My family told me to stop messing with him. My momma didn't like him. And I didn't want to because for one.. They never evenmet him, two... He's a cool guy and he's JUST trying to help me. (Boy was I fooling myself) over the course of time there was a small thought within me telling me to cut him off. But I didn't listen one bit. One day he wanted me to come over his house and watch movies. I agreed and he
picked me up. As we were watching the movie he wanted to give me a back massage. (His sneaky self) so he gave me one. After a while he went lower and lower. I knew what he was doing... He was getting closer and closer to rub on my but and thighs. I gave in and let him have control. When I should have let God "have control" when he first told me not to go over that man house. So when he took me home guilt started to run all within me. On top of that a Godly song came on on the radio. Then I knew I was hurting Gods heart. As I went into my home I had to play it off and act like my regular self so they won't see how I really felt and start getting all in my business. That night I was ashamed to even say one word to God. I felt defiled. I felt so far away from God. I went straight to bed... I couldn't take off clothes or nothing. Wash
My face, brush my teeth. Nothing. I felt like dirt so why try to take care of dirt? But as I went to bed I managed to silently in my heart say "God I'm sorry". I woke up feeling the same. This time I has to pee really really bad. I peed. And what was I. The toilet? I was bleeding! This man has broke my virginity! (Mind you my first partner never broke it, he couldn't get up).I ddecided its time to get in the shower. I got in I started holding my private and started crying. I felt like someone has invaded my clean beautiful that I care about so much! And starred walking through it with their muddy, dirty shoes, and ripping and destroying my furniture and tearing down my pictures on the wall. I felt like nothing. I repented in the shower. I got out. Didn't want to do NOTHING but lay in my bed and think, cry and think! And yea... Sleep hoping that I can sleep this pain away. But no! God had other plans. My friend's birthday was the same day and she wanted my sister and I
To come hang out with her dodowntown. I couldn't say no. I didn't want them to be mad at me because I told them I would go weeks before hand. So I got my loompy spirited self up and got dressed getting myself together. When we got downtown all I could think about was God and how he's feeling toward me. What I didn't know was that he's love and forgiveness was with me the WHOLE time! From the time I walked through my house door. He passionately wanted me to come to him and pour out myself to him and repent to get myself right like I did in the shower. The problem was that I couldn't forgive myself! I couldn't get over what I did before Gods eyes! And I had broken my promise to my King! As we walked out of the clothing store I walked passed a paper that said
Even though the person who wrote this forgot to put "if" in the second sentence, When I seen this a burden lifted off me. I felt kissed by God. I felt like his princess again. This was like a beautiful necklace given to a woman from her boyfriend to me. I felt special. I knew then that God has been forgiven me. It was JUST ME! it was me not forgiving myself. So that night I went home and prayed my socks off! I wanted God to make me whole again, build this broken house back up and fill it with his beautiful presence. I wanted my Virginia to be whole and pure again. I wanted to become Jesus's pure bride again and keep my eyes on him and not look back on the mistake I have made. I was hungry for this, So I went on a one week fast. No eating. Just fruit, veggies, peanuts and lots of lots of water. Over the time Daddy was working on me and transforming me into his beautiful bride again. I am better than before! :) So my Bro's and Sisters... Im going to leave you with these pionts.
*Dont underestimate your strength because your strenggoth has a weakness too. Always be praying and asking God to strengthen you in your strong points.
*God forgives you and still haves compassion and love on you like a loving mother has on her son who has done wrong.
*Learn to forgive yourself and love yourself.
* If your boyfriend cones over have an appropriate time where he needs to leave before it gets too late.
*If it seems wrong then... (It probably is wrong)
Listen to your inner self.
* NEVER EVER go over a mans house at night to "watch movies" By y'all selves! That alone screams out"RED FLAG!! DONT DO IT"
* And oh yea! Did I forget to mention... Dont think that you ain't gone never do something because chances are... You will if you Dont ask God to strength you in that area.
*One last thing...
ASK GOD TO MAKE YOU STRONG IN YOUR STRONG POINTS.
alright my peps! Love you :) <3
Bye for now
